When I was younger my mom was not in my life for most of my young years. I’ll admit I have mommy issues. I love her to death she’s MOM. But trying to deal with abandonment issues still and raising a daughter myself. Let me just say it’s hard. I’m trying to be everything she was not for me. It’s tough, on the hard days I take my frustration out on my mother. I blame her for my hard day being a mother. It’s not right but I do it. Her and I had always butt heads. We started actually having a relationship when I got pregnant with my daughter. Perfect timing right? You need your mom when you are becoming a mom. Most of the time I let the issues between us slide because it’s a new day new beginning. But in all reality my mommy issues poured into my being a mother. I was not prepared for that. All the things that I struggled with being a new mom I would get annoyed when she would try and tell me what to do with my baby. I would get really defensive. All my emotions from childhood would come rushing back with a vengeance. Our relationship strained for a little while but then we slowly got back on track. She’s a good mom now. When I need her she’s there , and even when I don’t need her she’s there which sometimes irritated me. I never really thought that a day would come and she would need a double lung transplant. Mind you she has stage 3 kidney disease as well. When I got the news she needed not just one lung but two I was shocked. Then emotions hit me like a train. Emotions I didn’t even know were there. She’s MOM. This isn’t supposed to happen. The moment I received that news every bad emotion or thought left my mind and soul. She’s MOM, she’s my MOM and we are going to get through this!
Today I woke like every other day, our same morning routine. Get up shower eat go to school. But something was weighing heavily on me today. The thought of Jesus Christ was on my mind and in my chest I can feel that I have this need more and more for him. I Have not fully excepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. I’m not avoiding him nor am I trying to deny him. I want to give my life to him, I want to live and breath him.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always thought deeply about everything. Things that most people just brush off on a daily I tend to dwell on until I’ve completely satisfied my curiosity. I did not grow up in a religious family. My grandmother was catholic and she was religious. I remember her always praying the rosary. I remember going to church when I was about 12 years old. It was a Catholic Church. I had no idea what the preacher was saying. He was speaking Spanish. They then asked everyone to stand well they had sang a song which was also in Spanish. I stood like everyone not really knowing the words I just bowed my head. I remember thinking about Jesus. I remember trying to wrap my head around someone that I could not physically see. Then the singing all around me got louder and louder I just picked up my head and looked around. Though I did not understand what they were singing, I was drawn into the looks on these peoples faces. While I was standing there in awe I just felt this extremely overwhelming feeling of something I can’t describe. I started to get very hot. I started to get really dizzy. It was not a good feeling. I had sat down immediately, before I past out. Then the feeling just went away. I felt better. I felt confused but I felt lighter. I just went about my day.
Now when I was a young girl I had so much anger in me. I had a lot of pain and most certainly a lot of hate. I didn’t have my mom in my life for a long time. I felt that she was a necessity. Not having her affected me emotionally. I would get into fights at school with other girls. I would clash with any and all woman that I came across. Like I said I was a person who thought a lot about everything. So all this pain and grief I would think about daily. Questions of why, and how. I would bash myself thinking why am I not good enough for her. How do I make her come back for me. Why is every woman in my life a threat to me? I would wonder how I can just just get rid of my anger. I joined sports thinking it would help with some of the tension. Get involved with being around other females. Maybe it helped a little. I loved it. I still had that anger deep down in my chest. This feeling like I am seeking something but I’m not finding it in anything I do.
So I continue on in sports, I get to high school. High school now that’s a whole different world. It’s a lot to a young there is so much pressure and judgment. It’s so hard to just be yourself in an environment that you feel isn’t for you. I had friends, maybe not the best of friends. I didn’t some things I’m not too proud of. I smoked marijuana, was hanging with the wrong crowds. Then a long with high school and bad friends came boys. I’ve always been a shy girl. I believe I matured late. I really didn’t start thinking about boys in a sexual way until about maybe 15 almost 16. Trust me that is late compared to some of these girls. It’s crazy. I had my first kiss when I was 14. But I did not do anything else. I always had this feeling as if I had a guardian angel telling me what’s right and wrong. But I could have just been my daddy raised me right, or it could be I had two older brothers and that’s scary all in itself. But when I would think about doing something wrong I always thought about it and had thing strong presence and I would not do it. Was it Jesus, could it have been Jesus that day at church that cleansed me of all the negative in me. That cleansed me of all the bad thoughts. Did he give me a gift of righteousness and control. Did I have a spiritual experience and not realize it?
I have no idea. But this feeling I wake up with everyday is not a bad feeling. It’s a feeling of need and want. I think about him and I just want to give everything to him. But how? I’ve prayed iced cried. I’ve gone to church, a Christian church for the first time. I loved it, I loved the feeling I got I loved everything about it. I cried the entire time. But it was so good. That feeling I feel when I am in there with all these people who want the same thing I want which is peace and serenity. Love and understanding. It’s an overwhelming feeling. But why can I not feel that way 24/7? I have two children who are amazing, I have been talking to them about Jesus Christ. About what he did for us and why we should always do good and be good. But I want them to know everything, I want them to feel the love and live through him and for him just like I want to. How do I just let go and do it. I feel like I have but then I don’t feel any different. I am so quick to anger, and I hate it. I want to give all my stresses and heartache to him and live with love and peace. I yearn for the love of him, and for the day I can completely and fully give my life to him. He is my lord and savior Jesus Christ. I am a child of god. And I will prove it. My children will preach it and live it also. They will know a love like no other. I am excited for the journey.